Well, finally the wedding is over and things are starting to
get back to normal.
My good friend, who is a serious amateur photographer, took
numerous pictures of our wedding. I thought at least some of my readers would
like to see them. Here’s the link
In the Shakespeare play, King Henry VII this became a famous
quote but many of the lawyers clients today, feel the same way.
Since I was getting married, we were advised to obtain a
pre-nuptial agreement. This means that if the marriage ever dissolves, each
party handles any assets in the way set up by this agreement before the
marriage.
I think it could sometimes be used as an effort designed to
break up the relationship prior to the marriage as quite often, one potential
mate or the other will say, “Well, that’s not fair?” You did this or I’m not
doing that?
For all of this “wonderful harmony and joy”, usually worked
on in the weeks leading up to the wedding, its test or let’s say hurdle to
discourage a marriage. It’s a wonderful excuse for a fight between the lovers.
Of course when you’re very young and getting married,
there’s nothing to be concerned about and typically not many assets, but late
in life, these things have to be addressed.
My fiancé was told to go to a lawyer we’ll call Lennie. He
is reputed to be the best attorney in what is called family law in Phoenix. For
the privilege of being considered the “best”, Lennie gets away with charging
$400/hr.
My lawyer is also in family law, but is low key, has offices
in a suburb and is a “steal” at only $250/hr.
The deceased husband of my fiancé was a lawyer. As a result,
she knows all the tricks of the trade.
When she first met with Lennie, she had heard of his
reputation and that he loved to talk, and talk and talk. This leads to charging
and billing and charging and billing. Things like anecdotes and comments on the
day’s events etc.
He asked for an advance retainer, and not being an amateur
in this business, my Fiancé said b.s. I’ll give you this and don’t charge
anymore because you shouldn’t have to spend any more time than x.
Lennie had to call my lawyer and sure enough, he tried to
chat and use the same anecdotes and b.s. on her as he did on my Fiancé. My
lawyer happened to be very busy (when you charge $250/hr I guess you have to
keep very busy) and had to cut him off several times.
Between us, we have no problems. The lawyers did bring up a
point we should put in the boilerplate pre-nup form that we hadn’t thought of
and we agreed. There was another point that we needed to agree on and we did,
easily.
For this, Lennie had to call my gal multiple times and she
had to respond, and all the time the meter is running.
Unfortunately, we’re not taking about jillions of dollars
and my Fiancé and I do not have any opposing views, but we could have had many
extra people at our wedding for what this little exercise cost us.
I have a friend who has been practicing contract law for
well over 50 years. He’s still at it.
I asked him if there was pressure in his firm to bill as
many hours as they could each year. He said not for him and that at his stage,
the number of hours is not important. However, he did recall the time he worked
on a case decades ago between two major corporations. When he finished his
work, he asked his partner what he thought the firm should charge. The partner
said that based on the time expended, $30,000 would be fair and cover their
time/expenses and a profit.
My friend said that if they charged only $30,000 for a deal
that was for tens and tens of millions, their client would be insulted. He was
right. They ultimately charged the client $300,000 who was delighted and
thought it was more than fair!
Don’t get me wrong. Some of my best friends, and a number of
my relatives are lawyers. Most work very hard and don’t get rich at it.
However, based on my experience not just in this case but over a period of
years, it seems to me that the “lawyer industry” or whatever it’s called,
should spend a little time thinking about scruples when it comes to billing.
Oh, did I say that the United States has xx more lawyers per person than Japan
and etc etc?
Title: The value of visiting customers and suppliers
A good number of those in my business (the domestic and
international hide and leather trade) are currently in route or are already in
the Far East attending the Hong Kong Leather Fair. I made this pilgrimage
myself for the past 27 years but this year, I have to pass it up.
Many will stop to visit their customers in the Far East.
They believe in face to face meetings with those they presently do business
with and those they hope to renew or establish new contacts. Those who travel
half way around the world, or in some cases, all the way around the world for
the 2-½ day event find it to be worthwhile.
Arizona is another Mecca for industry trade events. This
runs the gamut from small meetings to large one’s and ranges from major league
baseball owners to the association of buggy whip manufacturers (a rather small
group these days!)
Why do business people travel at a cost of much time and of
course heavy expense? Why do they think it so important to sit face to face
with their customers or suppliers? What do they hope to gain?
More than one expert on such things said “people do business
with people they consider to be friends.” Personal relationships and shared
experiences, be it a golf or tennis match, a trip someplace, or just having a
beer inure relationships. It’s been the case since cavemen traded a sharp stone
for a piece of dinosaur meat.
Every hotel and especially every resort rely on business
meetings for the same reason.
As noted above, every year I would attend this fair and for
the past 10 or 15 years, a similar one in Shanghai. Every time I planned my
trip, I would ask myself; “Is it worth the time and expense?” “I must be crazy
to do this again, and yet, I have always gone.”
Why, because I always further old relationships, develop new
one’s. and see opportunities and find out what my competitors and customers and
suppliers are doing. About 90% of the time some business develops that would
not have happened had I stayed home.
I think this is true in just about any business or trade or
commercial event and that’s why they still have them.
Attendance, internationally, is not what it was due not only
to industry consolidation over the past decade and more, but due to better
communications and increased travel costs but it’s still very important and the
most successful are there.
The same can be said for candidates for public office. Even
though they spend fortunes on advertising themselves, they still know they have
to get out amongst the crowds and “press the flesh” as the saying goes.
Yes, the product and price you are buying or selling is key,
but without a personal relationship with the person you are doing business
with, it is far more difficult. Your trading partner wants to “know you”. They
want to know with whom they are dealing both by their own impression and by reputation.
Wow. What a week end!
I got married! A terrific wedding, but most of all, what a bride.
My son had a bachelor party for me, which consisted of
friends making fun of me (a roast), some good cigars and scotch. Food was
delicious too. My beloved had a bachelorette party that was fun and a dinner
for out of town guests and her bridal party.
The Wedding was wonderful because so many friends were there
to share it with us (sorry to say room and money limited the number) but the
highlight, aside from my bride, was having both my children, my daughter in
law, my daughter’s SO and the best of all, my five grand daughters.
It was fun to meet all of both of our friends and relatives who
came from far and wide to share our joy with us. Now my bride knows all of my
friends and relatives and I hers.
A bonus!
I also gained a daughter, a brother in law, two sisters in
laws and a mother in law out of all this. I couldn’t be happier to join this
extended family.
By the same token, my five little grand daughters gained a women they love to become a grand mother to them, and my son and daughter gained a step mom they are very fond of. What could be better?
I had knee surgery about a month ago, and the physical
therapist promised I would dance at my wedding. She was right, but dancing with
my bride and then my daughter and then my five little girls was too much. I had to ice it a few times during the
festivities. By the way, the music was perfect.
Yes I’m rich – not in money- but in love and friendships
which are priceless. As a beer commercial used to say many years ago, ‘it don’t
get no bettah!”
Oh, and all of the concern about the right center piece on
the table, the food, the flowers, the insanely expensive yet delicious cake,
and all of the rest of the myriad of details involved, all became insignificant
at the end.
Many of you have been following the trials and tribulations
of our wedding preparations so as a reward, you can go on this link to see
photo’s that a good friend our ours took.
Not to beat a dead horse, but by pure coincidence, I saw this article in the New York Times this morning. This guy had the same experience we did re RSVP. Here's what he wrote
It’s My Party, and You Have to Answer
By RAND RICHARDS COOPER
Published: March 14, 2010
Hartford
HERE’S an etiquette experiment for you:
E-mail an invitation for a party, one month out, to 45 friends. Request
an R.S.V.P. Provide a follow-up e-mail message, two weeks later,
politely reminding them to get back to you.
How many will?
My
experiment arose from plans for an evening of food, drink and
literature, with readings by myself and two other writers, at a
restaurant. Not exactly a drop-in-if-you’re-around kind of thing, so I
asked friends to R.S.V.P. My initial message brought in a dozen
responses, and the follow-up a few more, but days before the event I had
a paltry 23. Not 23 who planned to come, but 23 who had bothered to
respond. Half my invitees had blown me off. Why? I wasn’t peddling life
insurance, after all.
Asking around, I discovered that the
phenomenon is widespread. One friend of mine e-mailed invitations to a
baby shower, and a third of the recipients failed to respond. Another
announced a happy hour at her house and received a dozen yeses — only to
find her party besieged by 35 people.
What’s preventing us from
executing this basic social task? Is it the medium? Do Evites somehow
not feel like “real” invitations? Is it our busy lives, so overbooked
and overwhelmed we’ve drawn up the castle gates? Don’t
invite me out this month, I’m ensconced! Or is it simple
rudeness? Try as I might to understand, I kept feeling dissed.
What’s clear is how hard the R.S.V.P. rubs against the grain of
contemporary life. In requesting people to anchor a plan in the distant
future of a month hence, you are demanding a kind of navigation that
Americans increasingly do not practice.
We prefer to remain flexy,
solidifying our plans incrementally as the date approaches. Let’s talk tomorrow. I’ll call you when I’m on the road.
Cellphones in hand, we microadjust our schedules as they unfold around
us. We’re like the air traffic controllers of our own lives.
It
wasn’t always so. A while ago I made a lunch date with an elderly
couple. As the day approached with no subsequent corroboration, I felt a
strange excitement. Would all three of us just show up? We did, and I
realized that what I felt was a small nostalgic thrill over social
arrangements that seemed straight out of Jane Austen.
But back to
my party. The day before the big event, I sent a final e-mail message,
thanking “the half of you who responded for helping keep the dying art
of the R.S.V.P. alive.” This irked missive flushed out a final 10
hangdog respondents. But there remained a gang of 12 — the dirty dozen,
the truly hardcore, fanatical nonresponders — who couldn’t even be
shamed into R.S.V.P.ing.
In the end, perhaps they were merely
following the French literally: Respond, if you please. Left over from a
time when graciousness couched demands as requests, the R.S.V.P. no
longer functions. I therefore propose an update, something still French
but a bit more ... frank — the R.V.O.M.:
Répondez Vite — ou
Mourir!
For those friends of mine who plead a lack of high school
French, allow me to translate. Respond Quickly, or Die!
Rand Richards Cooper writes the column “Dad on a Lark”
for the Web site Wondertime.
Having heard this phrase many times, I thought I would
Google it and see what came up.
I found that it comes from the French, “Repondez s’il vous
plait,” or please answer or respond to our invitation.
As readers know, I am getting married in less than two
weeks. We sent wedding invitations out in late February and asked recipients to
RSVP by March 1st.
The majority of invitee’s did respond by March 1st,
and if not then, by March 7th or so. However, a goodly number of
people never responded.
I never cease to be surprised by this. Most people who send
out printed invitations don’t do so lightly. They’re not cheap.
If someone sends me a formal invitation in the mail, I
certainly take it seriously. I make it a point to respond and appreciate the
invitation.
What happened to manners and common courtesy?
Additionally, friends invited people to showers and a
bachelor party for me. Same thing, most said they could or could not come, but
here again, some never took the time or trouble to click yes on an emailed invitation.
I wonder what they expect if they ever invite someone to
something they are doing?
In a very unscientific survey, it seems that people
typically under 50 or so are less likely to respond than those older. People
under 30 are even more negligent.
I do not expect, and surely hope, that everyone who says
they are coming to our wedding will do so. Even more so, I hope that anyone who
did not respond, or said to us they could not come, will not change their mind
and show up.
Is all this a picture of our society today? Have the young
typically always adhered less to custom than the old? Do younger people become
more formalized as they age, or is this just the modern age?
Do men give ladies their seat on the subway or the bus? I’ve
seen it amongst both older men and even younger men when the lady is elderly or
has many packages but certainly not all the time.
I always left a women enter and exit an elevator before I
do. My mother taught me that 50 or so years ago. Yet, when I do it now, I get a
surprised and grateful look from most women.
It’s like they can’t believe that anyone does this anymore?
Often they murmur a thank you. The same thing happens when I hold a door open
for a lady. They’re surprised.
Am I just an old guy with old manners? Why do we even have
manners in our society or standards in any society?
Why are we taught by our parent, and teachers to practice
right from wrong? How is right from wrong established? How and why do we learn
about morals?
When I was flying to my first wedding 47 years ago, I
happened to sit next to a nun. We got into a conversation and concluded that
regardless of one’s religion, the edicts of the Ten Commandments have survived thousands of years because they are the basis of what is right and what is
wrong.
The 10 commandments don’t say anything about common courtesy
or manners, but if we think about it, they do lay the groundwork for how to
treat our fellow man.
Take a look. They are as relevant today as they ever have
been.
I don’t know about other men, but I often have somewhat of a
problem with the Man Hug.
By Man Hug, I mean when you see a very good and dear male
friend that you only get to see every several months or maybe once every
several years, is it appropriate in this day and age to give him a hug?
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem in giving a
hug to some guy who wants to hug me. Almost everyone who hugs me I have found
to be a close friend. I don’t mind.
The problem I have is with a guy whom I am not exactly crazy
about and who I do not have a warm fuzzy feeling about. Often these guys, or at
least I assume, feel very close to me so they initiate a hug and I of course
reciprocate.
It is very rare when I initiate a hug.
The last time was at a relative’s funeral. My heart went out
to the man who had just lost his wife and who I had known for over 40 years. I
only see him maybe one a year or so, but I felt such great compassion for him,
I instinctively hugged him.
A year or so ago, I initiated a hug to a contemporary who I
had not seen in 5 or so previous years and had renewed our relationship. We had
both recently lost our wives and after a pleasant and warm evening together, I
felt like I wanted to give him a hug.
Some guys are just warm individuals. They are not aloof and
will share at least some of their innermost thoughts and experiences when
appropriate. These types of people, more often that not, are what I call
“huggermans.”
Where did this hugging business come from?
When I grew up, it was not common to even see your parents
hug. No man would ever hug another under any circumstance. If they did, they would
be ostracized as being gay, weird or whatever.
As a small boy, I fondly remember hugging my father, but I
was a small boy. I hugged my Mother and probably other grownups as well but
then a “man” would never hug anyone, except perhaps his little old Mother and
of course his wife in the privacy of her home.
Then maybe 20-30 or so years ago, and on rare occasion, I got
a hug. I was very surprised and tried to not act so. I happened to be very fond
of the hugger and it was an emotional situation.
At about the same time, I found myself hugging my son. We
were, and still are, separated by great distance and only get to see each other
one or two times a year. I loved
and still do love hugging him and he me. It’s a long hug that neither of us is
anxious to break.
I can’t wait to see him and hold him close and even kiss his
cheek. My son is my son and I love him more than any other male I have ever
known.
My former son in law is a major hugger. This started about
20 years ago as well.
After he and my daughter divorced however, when we’d meet,
he’d still initiate a hug, but it was what I call a fake” hug that is made by
dropping your shoulder into the other mans shoulder or chest and lowering your
head. Kind of weird but as the saying goes, different strokes for different
folks.
Man Hugs are not so rare in Southern Europe but you never ever see it in the Far East. Why?
I have a great many very dear and old male friends who I
would never think of hugging, or they me, so what’s with all this?
Why do some men feel they wan to hug someone and others
would never think of it?
How did this start?
Man hugs have almost become macho!
Now at the Super Bowl you see teammates and even opposing
teams hugging each other, and with shoulder pads on no less.
We see man hugs in all elements of society, except perhaps
the most snobbish (but I never see those kind of people anyway)
So what’s next? Men kissing each other? On the cheek? On the
lips? The air kiss?
That’s a topic for another blog. Ever think about why we
shake hands? Stay tuned….
Friends invited us to attend a concert by the Phoenix
Symphony last night.
When they mentioned what the orchestra would be playing, I
didn’t pay attention and to be polite I said, sure fine, we’ll go.
Over the years I have learned that I only enjoy classical
music if it was written before approximately 1850 or so and my favorites were
in the mid to late eighteen-century.
At the concert I attended, the first piece was by Prokofiev.
Frankly, I had never heard of him. The composition included a solo performance
by a world-renowned cellist. I had never heard of him either. This is an example
of my lack of musical acumen.
The piece in my opinion was terrible! I was unable to detect a single melody
in the 45 minutes they worked at it.
I think the cellist was very good. At least his long hair
flopped around every turn of his head and his bow flopped around the strings
with gusto. The audience gave him two curtain calls.
Speaking of the audience, the dress code has certainly
changed over the years.
The orchestra still wears some type of formal wear, but the
audience dresses far more casually. One young man I saw had on a knit cap and
there were a few older men in suits. In between was every thing imaginable but
a notch above the average attire at the Phoenix Suns game across the street.
Some of the audience were unsophisticated enough to applaud
between movements. They were either in a euphoric state or didn’t know the “rules
of the audience game!”
I’m happy to say that after a long intermission, the
orchestra played a Tchaikovsky work called Suite No. 3. I had never heard this
Tchaikovsky piece either but it was beautiful.
One of the most heart-warming parts of the symphony experience
was a violinist who has a guide dog that leads her in on a motorized wheel
chair. The dog, a blond lab, sits quietly, right in the middle of the orchestra
and when it’s over, leads the violinist off the stage.
I’m sure that this women would not have a chair in this
professional orchestra if she were not qualified.
I don’t know how she reads the music, or maybe she has some
other infirmity. Whatever she has, she doesn’t give up and go and bury here
head someplace. She’s out there, dong what she enjoys and what she obviously
does well.
There’s an example for us all to live by. We should do all
we can to not let any infirmity impair our quest for doing what we want to do
with our life.
Oh, and the couple who invited us to go to the concert? They
slept through the entire Prokofiev, and being well rested by then, only dozed
through half the Tchaikovsky!
For better or worse the world jazz has many definitions in
our current day and age. There are a multi-tude of beats and rhythms that are
called jazz. Additionally, there are genres such as Latin jazz, etc.
I am a fan of the kind of jazz most popular in the post
World War II period. The kind of music that is typically played by a combo of a
piano, drum, base, and maybe a horn or sax or clarinet.
It’s the kind of stuff made famous by the likes of Billie
Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughan, and Nancy Wilson etc. Songs are from
people like Cole Porter, Duke Ellllington and even the Gershwin’s.
This kind of music is no where near as popular as it was a
generation ago, and while there are exceptional, albeit mostly aging jazz
musicians, the ability for them to make a living practicing their craft gets
more difficult with each passing year.
In Phoenix, I am a supporter of Jazz in Az. It is an
organization that sponsors concerts, jam sessions etc for devotee’s to
frequent.
It’s hard to find a venue where this kind of music is played
around here, as it is in most parts of the US so when we had a chance to hear
some last night off went.
For the past eight years or so, there has been a performance
simply called The Jazz Diva’s concert held in a small theatre. The audience has
built from a small group of aficionado’s to about 1-200 people per performance
and they almost fill the place up for two performances.
The music is wonderful, in the opinion of those who attend.
Almost every head was grey, or was dyed to hide it, but the crowd was
enthusiastic and loved the performance, as did my fiancé and myself.
What struck me as sad however is that these talented
performers, 4 singers who must be 50 and over, seldom appear anywhere and if
they do, in very small venue’s.
I doubt if they can make a living at what they do and they
are so talented and wonderful.
What a shame.
But the majority of the population wants to fill a huge
stadium to hear a rock group, or another large venue to hear the likes of
Barbara Streisand and Tony Bennett, both who are in their Twilight years.
Johnny Mathis comes to town once or twice a year and fills a 5,000-seat
auditorium.
Give the people what they want and they will come, be it
entertainment or a product or even a political leader.
I’m glad that I’m not the only old timer left who enjoys
this wonderful style of music but we’re fading away pretty fast.
I must admit, I am a channel-changing
addict. It’s rare when I watch TV,
but when I do, I hate commercials so when there’s one on; I flick around to see
what I may be missing.
Since my meniscus surgery, I
have to keep my leg elevated and iced during recovery. As a result, I have been
watching much more TV than usual and last night I hit a winner
It was a biography of a
remarkable women whose name is Temple Grandin. I had never heard of her.
Coincidentally, while in the car
for a few minutes today, I heard a fund raising effort for Autism on a radio
station where the Phoenix Diamond Backs baseball team had pledged $100,000.
What a terrific thing to do.
But back to Temple Grandin. When
I clicked into the movie it was about 1/3 over and I saw this young women
watching cattle going into a pen and then into a slaughterhouse. Naturally,
cattle and slaughterhouse peaked my attention.
It turned out that this autistic
women, overcame many obstacles. First she was a women in a very male industry,
especially back then. Secondly she
was a women who was autistic but had an innate ability to see things, as
ordinary people cannot.
I am more interested in autism
than most because I have a young cousin who is autistic. I have been around
during all of the efforts; treatments and wonderful nurturing his parents are
doing and have done for this now maturing 15-year-old boy.
The movie went on to show how
Dr. Grandin devised a method to bring cattle into slaughter in a revolutionary
way so that they grade better and the process is far more efficient.
Believe it or not, she noticed
how cattle moo, and how they acted caused stress. This brings down yields from
live animal to carcass beef, Cattle distress also slowed slaughter operations
and she devised methods to alleviate this.
She published many papers on how
to care for cattle and raise them more efficiently, not to mention more humanely.
The systems she designed
enhanced packer’s profits. Her
methods are in use by most major slaughterhouses in the US ever since.
The actress, Clare Danes was
fantastic in a very difficult role.
You don’t have to be involved in
the cattle or meat or leather business, or know anyone afflicted with autism to
be fascinated by this great story.
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